Friday, January 29, 2010

3 days.

Anger and guilt and grief.

Anger at David for not being able to overcome his alcohol use, and anger at myself for at times despising him for that weakness.

Guilt at all of those wasted emotions and wasted time being angry at him, for not being able to somehow be what he needed, for walling myself off from him these last few years. Maybe if I hadn’t done that he would have said something about not feeling good, maybe I would have caught it. All I can do now is pray to Jehovah for forgiveness and try my best to live more in tune with Bible teachings.

Grief at picking up his fuzzy vest and putting it back down because I don’t know what to do with it. His billfold is still on the kitchen table, and his coffeepot on the kitchen counter, half full of coffee. I suppose I should empty it out before mold starts growing in it, but not today. I can’t. Time will ease this sorrow, but it will never go away. How can it? I’ve lost my love and my friend.


Anonymous said...

I found your blog via handmadechic. I loved your beads... and I had to see more. However, I'm so very sorry about your loss. There are no words during such a dark time. I've been through shadows that are very similar in some ways, and I wanted you to know that someone out here on the other side of grief.... is praying for you, and hoping that you will find peace.

You will breathe again.

val said...

Grief is an odd roller coaster ride that you have to go on, just hang on! Just remember it's the ones left behind that are suffering, David no longer is. He wouldn't want you beating yourself up with guilt for the choices he made in his life. All the feelings you are having right now are very common - but soon it will be time to pack them up and put them away.

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