Good heavens, this night is dragging! It’s only 7:45, and it feels like bedtime. I’m really struggling today.

Good days and bad days... the last couple of days were bad. David’s chair in the family room is an old, creaky, squeaky office chair I bought at a flea market 15-20 years ago for $5. When I wanted to replace it, he refused because it was comfortable, even though he had to use duct tape and towels on the armrests. I had to have Christian move it into the bedroom because the cats were up and down on it, making it creak and squeak. I was listening to a tape about losing a loved one, cautioning not to make any major changes for at least 18 months, since that’s how long the average grieving period is. 18 months?!?

As much as I hate winter, it was pretty outside today. I wish I had felt like going out and taking photos. Instead I just sat in my studio and took photos from there.

and here’s a stupid pet photo of Squeak, nice and comfy in the chair,

Well, that was a fun night. Lukas was sick last night, dry heaves sick (he blamed it on the tomatoes and green chilies I put in his omelet for supper). Then an hour later he said he was having a partial seizure. That went on for about an hour. He put it very well, “I’d rather just have one and get it over with.“ I finally got to bed at a quarter to 4 this morning.

Well, at least the sun is shining.

2 weeks since I held his hand until it started getting cold, the same hand that he stroked my hair with when we laid in bed watching TV. I miss him more than I thought I ever could.

Last night I read the comments to my blog and 2 pages of the thread on LE. It’s heartwarming to see the posts from so many people, but it was painful too, because I know some of the posters have lost loved ones too. I ended up playing solitaire for 4 hours last night. What a colossal waste of time.

I have started to read the comments and getting them posted to my blog, and I just want to thank you all for the kind words, even though they make me cry again. God bless you all and keep you safe.

Two weeks. A lifetime... A year ago last week my mother died. Another lifetime away.

I tried to find happy memories of David, but there are so many sad and angry ones buried in my mind, I decided that wasn’t the way to go. I’m just going to remember the feelings of contentment and love. In the new system, after David is resurrected, I’ll have my friend back.

I’m going to re-open my shops, and get back on LE. My mornings are pretty much the same, read the news and email, make beads and listen to Watchtower and Awake magazines, get Lukas up, get him settled for the day, and then make a snack and go lay down and read and nap. It’s the afternoons and evenings that get to me. I can’t do anything. The house sounds empty without David’s TV going, and him sitting in the family room belching. Never thought I would miss that. I get dishes washed, clean, do chores with Christian, and then vegetate at the computer. I can’t find the mental energy to do anything. There are lots of things I should do, cards to answer, emails and PMs to answer, and I’ve got several hundred beads that should be cleaned and photo’d. But instead I try to find something on the internet to divert me. That has to stop before it becomes a habit.

I’ve also decided I’m going to go out west this summer with Lukas and my nephews. I need the mountains. I started reading Zane Grey when I was a child. I fell in love with his West, from the Arizona deserts to the Montana mountains. The first time I went to Arizona, I slept outside on a cot, and I still remember the awe I felt with the stillness of the desert and the twinkling stars, and thought, ‘this is what Zane Grey wrote about.’ That man was truly a wordsmith and a poet. There is something about the West that pulls me and satisfies me, and right now I need that goal of going out there. I need something to think about and work towards.