Monday, February 08, 2010

Two weeks. A lifetime... A year ago last week my mother died. Another lifetime away.

I tried to find happy memories of David, but there are so many sad and angry ones buried in my mind, I decided that wasn’t the way to go. I’m just going to remember the feelings of contentment and love. In the new system, after David is resurrected, I’ll have my friend back.

I’m going to re-open my shops, and get back on LE. My mornings are pretty much the same, read the news and email, make beads and listen to Watchtower and Awake magazines, get Lukas up, get him settled for the day, and then make a snack and go lay down and read and nap. It’s the afternoons and evenings that get to me. I can’t do anything. The house sounds empty without David’s TV going, and him sitting in the family room belching. Never thought I would miss that. I get dishes washed, clean, do chores with Christian, and then vegetate at the computer. I can’t find the mental energy to do anything. There are lots of things I should do, cards to answer, emails and PMs to answer, and I’ve got several hundred beads that should be cleaned and photo’d. But instead I try to find something on the internet to divert me. That has to stop before it becomes a habit.

I’ve also decided I’m going to go out west this summer with Lukas and my nephews. I need the mountains. I started reading Zane Grey when I was a child. I fell in love with his West, from the Arizona deserts to the Montana mountains. The first time I went to Arizona, I slept outside on a cot, and I still remember the awe I felt with the stillness of the desert and the twinkling stars, and thought, ‘this is what Zane Grey wrote about.’ That man was truly a wordsmith and a poet. There is something about the West that pulls me and satisfies me, and right now I need that goal of going out there. I need something to think about and work towards.


Karen Sherwood said...

Please come out west. I completely understand what you mean. I moved to Arizona to heal my heart after my divorce. I never want to leave. Much love you to.

jewelrybylh said...

I've given you the Sunshine Award! Please see my latest blog post for details!! Have a great day! :)

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