Tuesday, January 26, 2010

David is gone. The nurse called at 4 this morning and told me he was getting worse. So this morning I went down to North Memorial and asked to have him taken off of life support. Kelly, his sister and Jim, her husband, and Dusty, one of their boys, Sean and Teresa, his children from his first marriage, and my sister, Elaine, were there. Once they took him off of the ventilator, his heart just beat slower and slower, and then it raced, and then it quit.

This man I’ve known for over 30 years, I’ve loved him with all my heart, and at times I’ve despised him just a little bit. He struggled with alcohol, and he lost his fight with it, as did 2 of his sisters. The doctor thinks he had an infection, and his body was too run down to fight it, and he didn’t go to the doctor or say anything about not feeling good. So by the time he got some medical help, it was too late. His organs were already shutting down.

From the beginning, David was my closest friend, but over the years the alcohol was too much competition, and when he started saying hurtful things to me over the past couple of years, I withdrew to protect myself from the pain. Maybe if I hadn’t done that, he would have been more communicative. As my sister says, though, hindsight is always 20-20. All I know is that he’s gone, and I hurt so much, and I don’t know what to do. I’m full of regret and guilt and grief.

4 comments:

Mary Lockwood said...

Betsy, you are in my thoughts and prayers and have all my sympathy for your loss and the decisions you've had to make. You did the best you could do. I'm sorry. ~~Mary

Brenda said...

Peace and thoughts with you Betsy. Hugs from Connecticut
Brenda

MMagic said...

Betsy: Sometime in the future, not today, you will know that you have made the right decision.

My heart goes out to you. If and when the time comes for me to say how I feel, it will be the same feelings. You said it perfect.

One step in front of the other!

Love
Marilyn h

Catharine said...

Betsy..big cyber hugs for you, this is a time filled with many emotions. Please don't live in regrets or what could have beens..they only serve to destroy you. Focus on the good memories and times that you both shared over the 30yrs..may our Lord shine peaceful light & strength down upon you in this darkest of times....prayers for you & family.

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