I just finished doing a batch of photos for listing, and just have to show off some of my favorites:

May 1st, cold and windy. But at least there’s no snow!!!

The boys were up today, they got the first coat of paint on my family room wall,
and I LIKE it!

Before:

After:

In my dreams, the ceiling is going to be white with wallpaper borders
on the ceiling and the walls, along with stained woodwork.

Pet photo, Togetherness:

Flower photo, Amaryllis and Orchids:

Have you noticed yet, I love pets and flowers?

I saw a new bird today, a Brown Thrasher. Goodness, I felt like I have a rather pathetic life that I should get so excited over hearing and seeing a new kind of bird, but what the heck, it’s my life.

Brown Thrasher song.mp3

Spent the last hour figuring out doctor bills, and who to pay this month. I’ve got most of the smaller bills from David paid, but the bigger ones I’m putting off for another time. I need to do some beads. Well, not need, but want.

I have been struggling the last several weeks, getting weepier and weepier, with stomaches and overwhelming fatigue. The stomach aches and fatigue are nothing new (my afternoon nap is my best friend), and had thought about going to the doctor (again) about it, but with the cost of a doctor’s visit being what it is, I just kept putting it off. Ironically, with David gone, our financial situation has improved, so last Friday I went in. I was also seeing a different doctor, which helped my frame of mind. The last time I saw my old doctor, complaining about the stomach aches and fatigue, he prescribed anti-depressants and told me I was having panic attacks, and patted me on the back and told me I was a strong woman and would get through it all. That was a lot of help.

They did an EKG because my heart has been leaping (came back normal) and blood tests to rule out any physical cause (came back normal), so it’s back to depression. He upped my medication and prescribed medicine for my stomach and gave me a referral to talk to a counselor.

This is the first time in a couple of years that I haven’t had a stomachache, and I have to say, it sure does feel good. I haven’t been in to see a counselor yet, just waiting for the referral to go through. If it helps, I will do whatever I have to. I do not like living like this, and it’s not fair to my boys to have to put up with this.

In the meantime, I’ve been trying to get out and soak up some sun and get some vitamin D. I’m expanding my front flower bed and have been hauling manure from the barn and dumping it in there. Between that and Roundup, that should kill off the quackgrass. My lilies are coming up, and I have daffodils and tulips blooming. This is absolutely the best time of the year, before the hot weather and mosquitoes and black gnats start.

I have photos to show off. Here’s a gorgeous amaryllis blooming:

If you don’t like funny pet photos, skip this next batch.

How can that cat sleep like that?!?

OK, my ferrets like to sleep in a small pet carrier, all jammed in. What the heck? An orange tail?

Ah, hah! Peaches again.

My ferrets make me laugh. They are just a joy to have and to watch.

Another what the heck?! and run and grab the camera,

Goofy little babies!

And now some favorite beads I’ve made the past month,

Lukas had a horrible seizure last night.

I do not like being a widow, and I do not like being alone. Even though I’m not alone, I am.

What next?!? I went down to the basement, and the septic system is backing up into the basement. We just had it pumped out last fall. I really don’t need this right now.

I’ve been missing David this past week, and when I was driving home today, I realized that his birthday would have been Friday. I miss the good times we had.

My sister has been nagging me to update my blog. I had to go down to Roseville today to take my computer in. It was having a brain spasm and wouldn’t start. They think it was a software update that didn’t properly install, so they reinstalled the system. Fortunately, I back up all of my data, and Apple has this really neat feature of offering to pull in user data from your backup hard drive, so I didn’t have to re-install any programs or serial numbers. VERY nice!!

I love flowers! These are in my studio, orchids, tulips and fushia.

Now on to the pets. Here’s Buddy sleeping. Oh, how I wish I could sleep like them. They just pass out!

And here is Baby, sleeping in the kitchen garden window, just soaking up the sun.

Flowers and pets, how do people do without them?

I’ve got tears in my eyes from laughing. My babies are sooooooo funny!

Ferrets are not very graceful little creatures (but then again, I’ve seen my cats do some pretty klutzy things). Chunk is a jumper; he spreads his feet out wide and jumps and grabs. This little chunky boy, arms spread wide, goes flying through the air (all 12 inches of it) and splat, flat on his fat little tummy. Right back up, chattering, ready for another attack on Buddy, one of the cats, my foot, anything that moves. Ferrets do what is humorously referred to as the ‘war dance.’ They hump up their backs and jump up and down on all four feet, chattering. They bounce around trying to get something to play with them, and often as not, bong into something because they’re not looking at where they’re going. Yup, live entertainment at its best.

Here’s Chunk jumping up trying to get Christian to play with him.

Did you know that ferrets sleep 14-18 hours a day? They are a lot like toddlers, they play and play and play, and then they crash. Here’s Buddy sleeping. Gosh, I wish I could bend like that.

Totally off topic here, I was getting eggs the other day, and found not one, but TWO pullet eggs. I had to laugh at how tiny they were compared to a regular egg.

It’s been 8 weeks since David died. Why does it seem like years instead of weeks? He has just been fading away in my memory, and I think less and less of him. That bothers me.

Well, for anyone who’s interested, the lawsuit against Ullja has been scheduled for the end of Jan. 2011. What’s so funny is that she’s advertising on her websites that she’s an IRS-certified and IRS-trained tax preparer. What a hoot!

Well, to lighten things up, more pet photos!

Don’t you wish you could bend like this?

And just like a two year old, can sleep anywhere.

And here’s Honey, my studio cat, enjoying the heater.

Ever seen pullet eggs? I just had to take a photo of these. They're just so cute!

Oh my gosh! The boys just put down the first coat of paint in the back bathroom. It just GLOWS warm!

This is the color that’s going to go on the top half of the walls in my kitchen and family room. The bottom half is going to be darker cinnamon color.

What a gorgeous spring day it’s turned out to be, warm and sunny with just a bit of a breeze. The boys got the plastic on my greenhouse replaced, so I’m starting to move some of the tulip pots out there. I need to get tomato and pepper seeds started pretty soon.

Stupid pet photos:
Chester, our big dog, resting his head on the chair leg. Looks a bit uncomfortable to me.

And here’s a sleepy Chunk,

Time for stupid pet photos...

with Pip sleeping on the back of the recliner

Sleeping ferrets,

my old ladies, Fang and Bandit,

and the boys, Chunk and Buddy

I don’t think I’d care to be in Chunk’s position. He’s the one sleeping with his head under Buddy’s butt.

The boys playing in the snow...

and with Christian’s slipper and foot. Ferrets LOVE shoes, slippers, socks and feet.

I heard Canadian geese down at the river last night. There’s a cardinal in the pine trees chirping and a woodpecker on my suet feeder. It’s a gloomy, foggy morning, but spring is coming.

I’ve got an order of glass coming this week, one of Double Helix’s new colors, Clio, and another one of their experimental colors. I am really sad that they’re not going to make any more Dark Aurae, although they said they may have some when they make their next Aurae batch. I love Dark Aurae!! Here’s a bead using it.

With David gone, sometimes my life seems so empty and lonely. It’s so strange, my memories of him seem so far away, in some distant past. It’s like he’s been gone for many years, not just weeks. That bothers me.

Someone on LE suggested a book, How to Survive the Loss of a Love. I picked it up from the library, and it has a lot of good points. But it also talks about healing. What a strange choice of words. You don’t ‘heal’ from the loss of a loved one, you just get used to the absence. But that’s just my opinion.

This poem from the book describes my situation very well,
How I
love you and hate you.

How bound I am to you.
How bound I am to break my bondage.

I want to be free!

I want to be able to
enjoy the day again,

and give me back my nights.

Lukas’ ultrasound results came back. Everything is normal, which is a huge relief. So he’s on Prilosec to settle his stomach until David’s being gone isn’t so disturbing to him. Poor baby is sick with a cold now, though. He’s got a nasty cough. Things should get better now with the weather getting warmer. He won’t be missing so many meetings. The people at the Kingdom Hall are so good to him, and for him. He’s such a people person. It’s funny to think of a handicapped son as being a support, but he is. He’s made me become more socially active, and I certainly need that. By choice, I would be a hermit, and I have to fight that tendency to isolation.

The babies are awake and playing. Last week Christian went down to Petco and bought another ferret. Fang wasn’t interested in playing with Chunk, just beating him up. And Chunk needed someone to play with besides the cats, so now we have 2 baby ferrets, Chunk and Buddy. They’re quite entertaining, very exuberant and playful. I’ll have to get photos of them posted later.

There is a verse in the Bible that says God doesn’t give us any more than we can bear. I sometimes think that God has overestimated our abilities. I took Lukas to the doctor today to find out why he's been gagging and throwing up. He prescribed medicine to settle his stomach, but then he was feeling Lukas’ belly, and the right side was tender, so he ordered an ultrasound for Lukas Wed. a.m. to check the gallbladder.

Christian is going to go down to Petco tomorrow after he does the shopping to buy me another ferret. Fang is pretty much ignoring Chunkie other than to go after him, and Chunkie so wants to play. He and S.C., the cat, were chasing each other up and down my studio this a.m. Here they are playing hide and seek.

And here is a sleepy Chunkie,

Don’t you wish you could bend like this? And don’t you just love that little pink tongue sticking out?

He is just so darn cute!

I have to call the clinic tomorrow as soon as they open. Lukas has been having problems with throwing up and gagging the last two weeks. The first episode I thought was a virus (he blamed it on the green chilies I put in his omlet), but then last Tuesday he didn’t want Jim and Cindy to come over because he was gagging, and then Friday night at bedtime he was throwing up again. I don’t know what’s going on, so it’s time to get him to the doctor to see if they can figure it out.

One of my ferrets, Taz, died last week. It wasn’t unexpected; she was so old she didn’t have any hair left. I felt sorry for Fang, because Bandit is old too, and not too playful anymore. So Friday I went down and bought a new ferret. We named him Chunkie because he is a heavy little chunk (and that’s Christian’s freckled, hairy arm).

It was so funny because Fang tried grabbing him, and he screamed and scared her. He’s a gentle little boy, and when he bites, he does it very gently.

5 below. I am so tired of winter and cold.

I found another rod of that Dark Aurae batch that gives such lovely striations.

And then there’s the mandatory pet photo. It’s funny that my cats (other than the 3 kittens, although they aren’t kittens anymore) fight with each other, but they all love to cuddle up with the dogs. That saying fighting like cats and dogs sure doesn’t fit in my household.

4 weeks of regrets, wishes, anger, grief and crying. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of crying, headaches, stomachaches, earaches, tired of always feeling like I’m just waiting for the next bad thing to happen, tired of winter and cold and darkness, tired of depression and feeling like I’m a half step from falling into a black pit.

OK, got that off my chest.

I’ve been trying for years to follow Galatians 5:22-23, “On the other hand, the fruitage of the spirit is love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faith, mildness, self-control.” I’ve always struggled to find joy. Maybe that’s why I have animals, they make me laugh. Tonight Honey, a tubby cat, tried to jump up on an open cabinet. She didn’t quite make it, and was dangling by her claws from the cabinet top, and dangling, and I’m laughing at her, and she’s dangling, and I’m laughing, and she’s dangling, looking around at me as if a bit offended. She finally let go and dropped to the floor.

This is the package of some cat treats I bought. Don’t you think it’s kind of perverted to have a cat sitting on a cow holding a knife and fork? Yummmm, crunchy outside, soft inside.